i don't plan on having that self control this summer
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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