there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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