I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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