I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
