it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
