she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize