Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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