my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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