I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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