my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
