I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We are two peas in an std pod
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
