Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
