Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
