So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
