I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
