Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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