This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
