why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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