apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Randomize
