I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
