Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
