somebody snuck up and got me drunk
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
