So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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