I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
