I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
