Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
