i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
