I want you more than these girls want KFC
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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