I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
ttyl tear gas
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
