once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
