Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
