Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
