he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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