Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
