According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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