just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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