Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
