Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
