I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
