Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
