Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
