I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
