Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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