Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
