youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
