Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
