**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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