1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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