My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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