Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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