I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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