btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
