Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
