So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
