I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
