hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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