it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
