so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
